I always wanted

To have someone to hold,

Someone to love.

(inside card)

After meeting you ...

I changed my mind.

I must admit,

You brought religion into my life ...

(inside card)

I never believed in Hell

Until I met you.

As the days go by,

I think how lucky I am ...

(inside card)

That you're not here

To ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go ...

(inside card)

Will you take the knife from my back?

You'll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to marry ...

(inside card)

Someone other than you.

Happy Birthday!

You look great for your age ...

(inside card)

Almost life-like!

When we were together,

You said you'd die for me ...

(inside card)

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time

To keep your promise.

We've been friends for a very long time ...

(inside card)

What do you say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you ...

(inside card)

It's almost like you're still here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy ...

(inside card)

Did you ever find out who the father was?

You are such a good friend!

If we were on a sinking ship

And there was only one life jacket ...

(inside card)

I'd miss you terribly

And think of you often.

Your friends and I wanted

to do something really special

for your birthday ...

(inside card)

So we're having you put to sleep.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee and West Virginia)

Looking back o'er the years

We've been together,

I can't help but wonder ...

(inside card)

What was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day!

(inside card)

Guess you didn't tell this one that you have genital herpes.

How could two people as beautiful as you ...

(inside card)

Have such an ugly baby?