So I can't really cook. Who among us can really cook? More than Pop Tarts or popcorn.

Anyway, I've tried to cook, but I've burned burgers, simple burgers, along with a ton of other dishes. Basically, my smoke alarm doubles as a cooking timer when I'm in the kitchen.

With all of my culinary failures, it makes me slightly insecure, and therefore easily offended by those who can cook. But when it's Emeril or Wolfgang Puck, it's kind of whatever, because they've devoted decades to their craft. When this kid pops up in a video making a dish that drops Gordon Ramsay, I start to lose it. This kid is 7 years old? MAYBE 8?

 

What am I doing with my life?