Guys, let's face it -- there are two days you CAN'T screw up when it comes to your old lady: her birthday and Valentine's Day. You drop the ball on either of these days and not only are you not getting laid for a couple of months, but you'll be living in fear of imminent castration.

So, to make your lady happy and ensure the safety of your precious member, here are some Valentine's Day gifts that don't suck! Your woman (and penis) will thank me later!

Sourpuss Clothing

Sourpuss is one of my go-to websites for gifts for my old lady. They have a ton of retro/punk rock/tattoo inspired goodies including clothing, houseware, cellphone accessories and more. Plus, they have some pretty cool stuff that you can pick up for yourself!

McClure's Spicy Bloody Mary Mix

For the lush in your love life, you can't go wrong with McClure's Spicy Bloody Mary Mix! Not only does it make one of the best Bloody Maries I've ever had, but it's a great way to add a little spice into your love life -- or at least her Sunday morning.

Drinkers Club Subscription

This kind of goes with the Bloody Mary Mix, but if your old lady loves the scotch (or wine) as much as mine, this is the perfect gift to give! Sign her up for the Taster's Club (whiskey and scotch) or California Wine Club (wine, natch), where they will actually ship you bottles of some of the finest adult beverages available!

Shari's Berries

For those of you that want to go the more 'traditional' route, Shari's Berries is the place for you! Not only do they have some AMAZING dipped berries (trust me, I've used these things to woo women for years now), but they have all kinds of awesome packages that come with Teddy Bears, roses and everything else you'd need to sweep your lady off her feet!

Lelo Sex Toy Kit

Now, a lot of you guys will look at me like I'm crazy with this one, but if there is one thing I know about women, it's that they LOVE sex as much as we do! And you what will make her squeal with excitement over and over...and over again? Some high-end, Lelo sex toys!

What could be a better time to explore her wants, needs, desires, etc. than Valentine's Day? I'd just wait until after diner before you gave them to her!