The Case of the Beardless Kitty: A Pubic Noir Part I

It was a dark and storm night. I was sitting in my office, drowning my sorrows in a bottle of 12 year old scotch over what's her face when there was a knock on the door. The door flung open and this tall drink of a woman came inside. I wanted to do the same.

This mystery woman was sobbing hysterically. "I've lost it...I've lost it ALL! Please, please help me!"

"What are you blubbering about?" I fired back angrily. I wanted desperately to get back to my pitty party.

"It's gone...it's all gone," the woman said between her sobs. "I could try to explain...it'd probably be easier just to show you."

She then flung open her soaking wet trench coat, spraying my face with a cool mist. As my private eye scanned her body, my brain found the problem and my heart skipped a beat.  No wonder she was upset. She truly had lost it all.

"Jesus," I muttered. "How can I can I help?"

"I need you to find my fur lap warmer. It's missing and I just can't go on living without it. There have been a lot of Dicks beating around the bush in this case, but I heard you're the best one around. Money isn't an option... I just need your help."

I bet there have been a lot of dicks beating her bushes. I'd rather not have the headache of another labor intensive case, I thought as I put a light to my last stogie. But, I was running short on whiskey and hope. What the hell...

"Lady, I'll take your case. It'll be 200 dollars up front and 200 when your case is closed."

TO BE CONTINUED.....