Who really knows what Jesus would do? He was known to pontificate to the masses from atop hillsides, but when it came to something as personal as...self love...you'd like to think he'd bring it down a notch. Maybe just give you a little hint over a loaf of bread and some nice Chianti. "Uh, dude...you might want to stop reading those nasty hieroglyphics, and take it easy with the laying on of the hands. The Big Guy? He's not a fan of that stuff, and if he should strike you blind? Not a lot I can do, K?"

One thing I think we can be relatively sure of - he wouldn't open up shop on the corner of St. Francis and Ha-Notsrim, and start marketing this little anti-self-flagellation device:
 

photo: twitter

 
Functional? I'm sure it is. Practical? Not so much. Real? No, but it was fun to think about for a minute, wasn't it. Thank our friends at Elite Daily for that little break from the mundane. Now, back to your porn session, already in progress...