Keep Your Packages Safe from Porch Pirates: A Holiday Survival Guide
The holidays are coming, and so are the porch pirates, El Paso. These stealthy thieves don’t care if your package is a $20 scarf or the last PS5 in the city—they’ll swipe it like they’re auditioning for a low-budget heist movie. But don’t worry; we’ve got your back (and your packages) with these tips to keep the grinches at bay in Texas!
Schedule Deliveries (Because Psychic Powers Aren’t Real)
You can’t outsmart thieves by guessing the exact moment your package will arrive—this isn’t a superhero movie. Instead, schedule deliveries for times when you or someone you trust can be home to play package bodyguard. If you’re busy, enlist a neighbor. Just make sure they’re not that neighbor who already has your rake, ladder, and maybe a casserole dish.
Secure the Goods Like a Spy Thriller
If package lockers sound too futuristic, think of them as secret hideouts for your stuff. Many carriers offer pick-up centers where your gifts will be safer than a diamond in a bank vault. Bonus points for installing a smart doorbell or security camera. Thieves hate being on camera almost as much as we hate buffering Netflix.
The Buddy System Isn’t Just for Kids
Team up with your neighbors to keep an eye on each other’s packages. You could even start a neighborhood watch group, complete with walkie-talkies and code names. Just make sure you don’t scare the mail carrier—it’s their job to deliver, not to dodge amateur surveillance teams.
Amazon Has You Covered (Mostly)
Amazon is stepping up with tools like Map Tracking and Photo-on-Delivery, because who doesn’t want a mini detective game before their package arrives? And if something does go wrong, their 24/7 customer service is there to save the day—unless your package contains something truly irreplaceable, like your mom’s homemade cookies.
If All Else Fails, Report It
If the worst happens and your package is pilfered, file a report with local police and the U.S. Postal Inspection Service. They’re the real-life heroes who can help bring the thieves to justice—or at least teach them a lesson about stealing scented candles.
This holiday season, let’s make life difficult for porch pirates. They might think they’re slick, but with a few precautions, you’ll show them they picked the wrong porch to mess with. Stay vigilant, El Paso, and protect those presents like your holiday cheer depends on it—because it probably does. Also, for making it through this whole article, here is a gift. A long video compilation of instant karma for package thieves, this is especially nice for anyone who had their package stolen and needs a little catharsis.
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Gallery Credit: Billy Jenkins
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