With Shark Week under way on the Discovery Channel . . . let's check out the Top Things You Didn't Know About Sharks.

 

 

--They often mistake surfboards for seals. And surfers for gainfully-employed Americans.

 

 

--Great white sharks have actually killed less people than Great White bands.

 

 

--They have fewer teeth than Julia Roberts.

 

 

--Wearing their teeth around your neck is a good way to let others know you sell marijuana.

 

 

--The "tiger" shark got its name from preying on slutty waitresses behind its wife's back.

 

 

(CAREFUL)--They eat almost as much tuna as Lindsay Lohan.

 

 

--Thousands are killed every year to make boots for Billy Bob Thornton.

 

 

--They're more fun to have sex with than dolphins. Or so I've heard.

 

 

--They hate how that "Jaws" theme makes it impossible for them to sneak up on people.

 

 

--They can tear a man to shreds in seconds. Unless that man is Alec Baldwin. Then it needs several hours.

 

 

--They sometimes attack surfers because they look like seals. And also because they can't stand d-bags who call each other "brah."

 

 

--After a few too many drinks, they're not above going home with a whale.

 

 

(CAREFUL)--They are completely without bones. Except when Scarlett Johansson happens to swim by.

 

 

--Blacktip reef sharks prefer to be called "African-American-tip reef sharks."

 

 

(CAREFUL)--Their favorite golfer used to be Greg "The Shark" Norman. Until they heard Fuzzy Zoeller's hilarious "fried chicken and collard greens" joke about Tiger Woods.

 

 

(CAREFUL)--They're terrified of dolphins. Dolphins and Jews.

 

 

--They think Shark Week paints them in an unnecessarily negative light. But after seeing "Jersey Shore", they can all agree that at least they're not Italian.

 

 

(CAREFUL)--The leading cause of death for sharks? Oral sex.

 

 

--They have rows and rows of razor sharp teeth . . . but a terrible dental plan.

 

 

--They especially enjoyed eating and pooping Osama bin Laden.

 

 

--Like Jessica Simpson on land, sharks are at the top of the food chain in the underwater jungle.

 

 

--Their favorite programming on the Discovery Channel is People Week.

 

 

--Sharks off the coast of Mexico swim with their T-shirts on.

 

 

--They consider themselves misunderstood. And that's why they're all into Emo music.

 

 

--Given 20 minutes, even THEY can come up with a debt solution.

 

 

--Despite what you've heard, they're all terrible at pool. And cards.

 

 

--For them, EVERY week is Shark Week.